Category: Parenting

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These 5 Books Will Change How You Parent

I have worked with many children and their parents over the years. A question I am frequently asked is, “What can we do?”  These parents are genuinely concerned for their child and want to help.  So often, parents do not have the resources or know those resources that can help both them and their child.  There are so many resources out there now for parents, but digging through them can be a daunting and overwhelming task.  If you Google “parenting strategies” and you will get 98 million results.  Literally.  No human on the planet has time to go through all of those results, let alone a parent who is trying to keep tiny humans alive and healthy every day.

The following books are ones I have suggested to parents many times.  The first three are for you, the parent/caregiver.  The last two on the list are written for a parent/caregiver to sit down and read with the child.

1.   The New Strong Willed Child by Dr. James C. Dobson

Ah, strong willed children.  Let me tell you, they are my favorite.  They are also a lot of work and quite frankly the adults in their world will feel like giving up at some point, sometimes multiple times a day.  Don’t quit on them yet.  What you see as a frustration is one of their greatest assets as well.

Dr. Dobson has a great take on strong willed children.  His book is full of stories from actual parents and strong willed children.  It also includes strategies on how to best handle your strong willed child and how to turn that personality type into a positive.  Have a child that is strong willed and diagnosed with ADHD?  Yep, he covers that too.

2.  Boundaries with Kids: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Help Your Children Gain Control of Their Lives by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Boundaries are SO important in our lives and especially in our relationships.  Our society tends to push to an extreme of saying that we do not need boundaries in our lives.  We just need more.  We need more activities to fill ours and our kids time.  We need more followers on all the social media.  We need more cars, more video games, more jobs, more volunteer jobs, more, more, more.  To be frank, it’s a load of crap.  What we need is more boundaries in order to have a healthy emotional, physical and mental life.  Children are no different.  In order for kids to feel safe and secure, they need to have boundaries in their lives.  Teaching them boundaries helps set them up for success later in life.

The authors of Boundaries with Kids take you through 10 principles that children need to understand to become healthy, well-adjusted adults. The book also includes six steps to implementing boundaries with your children.  If you haven’t started boundaries with your children, start today! It may be a challenge at first, depending on your child’s age, but I guarantee it will get easier and will be life changing for you and your little one.

3.  The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell

Everyone longs to be loved, but did you know everyone experiences love in different ways?  People both receive and give love differently.  Everyone has all five love languages in them but, like personality traits, some are more dominant that others.  In this book, the authors do a great job of laying out the five primary love languages and how each both receives and gives love.  You will also learn how to discover your child’s love language and how to speak it to develop a deeper relationship with your kids.

4.  A Boy and a Bear: The Children’s Relaxation Book by Lori Lite

This book is brilliant at teaching children how to use simple relaxation techniques.  This is a story about a boy who meets a bear and teaches the bear how to relax.  The book is easy for children to understand and they can do the motions and breathing with the boy.  Relaxation techniques are so important in today’s hurried lifestyle.  Relaxation has been shown to reduce anxiety and stress as well as lift one’s mood.  The sooner your child learns these skills, the sooner you’ll see results when you tell them to “calm down and relax.”

5.  A Terrible Thing Happened by Margaret M. Holmes

Sometimes children witness events that are beyond their comprehension.  With the prevalence of school shootings and other atrocities, our children are exposed to the trauma of this world more than ever.  This book is a handy tool to help walk children through those traumas.  Your child will meet Sherman, a raccoon, who saw a terrible thing happen.  Sherman soon starts to experience emotions and physical symptoms he doesn’t understand.  What I like most about this book is that it never says what terrible thing Sherman witnessed.  It leaves it open for the child to fill in whatever traumatic event he/she witnessed. Even if your child has not witnessed a traumatic event, the book is good for walking a child through an event that has upset them.

***This book does not in any way take the place of a trained mental health worker.  If your child has been traumatized in any way, please find a qualified professional to help walk you and your child through their healing process.  Even Sherman talks with a professional.***

Well there you go.  There are a million more (well 98 million more) but these are a good place to start.  Happy reading!

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When You Walk Into Our Home

Photo by Jisu Han on Unsplash

My dad came to town over the weekend.  He came to watch my step-kids in their various activities, including sports and drama productions.  It was a nonstop weekend.  Before I picked him up on Friday, I did a quick run through on the house.  I decided vacuuming was about the extent that was going to get done before running to the airport.  I began vacuuming each room of our little house and wondered what memories would be made this weekend.  I thought about all the memories that have been made in the past year.  So many that I’m sure I’ve forgotten half of them.

I also began to think about what others would see if they walked into my house.  I realized what you see in a house rarely represents what happens in a home.

When you walk into my house, I promise it will not look like anything Joanna Gaines put together.  There will be dirt, dirty dishes, dog hair, dirty clothes in the hampers and unmade beds.  There will be toothpaste globs dotting the sink and counter, sticky spots on the table and dog food on the floor.  There will be crumbs and spills on the counter from last night’s dinner.  There will be shoes that stink from the days they’ve spent with sweaty feet in them.  There will be mismatched furniture including one piece that clashes against the wall.  The wall is a work in progress.  There will be things tucked in the corners of the house, piles of mail and school papers stacked on the kitchen counters and shoes put up high, so they are not eaten by our puppy.  There will be a front yard that badly needs landscaping and a backyard that is a minefield of holes.  There are pictures sitting on the floor waiting to be hung.  There are curtains that don’t quite fit the windows.  There are bedding sets that do not match the room or the other bedding.  There are a million stuffed animals.  There are hand drawn Star Wars characters hanging from the walls.  There are rocks, random items and clothes piled on the dressers.  There are closets that are too small to hold a wardrobe and dresser drawers that struggle to stay closed.  There are Lego creations everywhere.  There are overflowing bookcases and drawers full of movies.  There are games, lots of games.

I like our little house. It wouldn’t work for many people but for us it’s home.  It’s home to five people and two dogs.  What house is ever fully put together with that many living creatures running through it.  What is important is that our little pack feels safe and secure in our home.  Not just that they are not worried about intruders, fires or catastrophes, but that they feel they belong.  That no amount of stinky shoes, dirty clothes, muddy paws, spills or stains will ever lessen or remove our love for them.  No amount of holes in the backyard or vomit in our cars will make us want to get rid of them.  Consider putting plastic on all the seats and flooring in the car?  Yes.  But turning the kids over to the state or leaving the dogs at the pound?  Never.  Not even once.

But a home is not just the house we live in.  A home is so much more.

When you walk in my home, you would see where we have shared family meals complete with laughter and deep talks.  You would see ruffled beds where the kids and their father sat the night before as he prayed over them and their little lives.  You would see the Lego creations that were built with such care and precision.  You would see pictures that were drawn to show their love for us.  You would see books scattered about because we encourage reading.  You would see games upon games because engaging with the kids and each other is important to us.  Even if it means playing the same Top Trumps card game so much you have memorized the cards.  You will see movies that fill drawers because pizza and movie night is a weekly tradition.  You will see dog food on the floor and know even our animals are well fed.  You may even see a couple of ants because our puppy is a messy eater.

Our room is rarely clean, but it’s open to all who are in our house.  It will always be covered in dog hair because let’s be honest, the dogs sleeping in our room is how we keep them from eating everything in the rest of the house.  The kids will never have matching bedding.  They don’t have matching interests and they’re allowed to express their likes in their rooms.  One day we may have a nicely landscaped front yard, but for now it will serve as a place to fly kites in the summer and build igloos in the winter.  Our backyard is a disaster of sticks, holes, trees, play-sets and a basketball hoop.  But that disaster brings lots of smiles, laughter and hours of fun.  Of course, there are also screams and fighting because having siblings who won’t do what you want is hard.

While our little piece of chaos works for us, it probably drives our neighbors crazy.  That’s ok though.  We aren’t trying to please our neighbors or anyone else.  We are trying to invest in the people we have chosen to do life with.  If that means our yard is never landscaped and our bathroom never looks like a seaside resort, then so be it.  At the end of the day, none of that stuff really matters.  When we sit around the dinner table at night and do high/low for the day, those things never come up.  What does come up is the time and activities we spent with each other.  Those are the things that make the list of highs.  Those are the things that really matter in life.

Today if you look around your house and see all the little things that need to be cleaned, fixed and put away, don’t fret.  You’re not alone.   They’ll get done eventually.  Even if they don’t, it’ll be ok.  Remember that you’re doing the best you can and the people you share your home with are more important that the ever-growing to-do list.  Especially if you have littles running through your house like a stampede of elephants.

One day it’ll be quieter, and all the things will be in their place.  One day you’ll look back and wish you’d left the pile of laundry and the dirty dishes to chase your little around the back yard, or to play that game for the one billionth time.  One day you’ll wish you had let the weeds grow in a bit more and taken time to connect with your spouse.  One day it’ll all be gone.

But today, today may be another day of beautiful chaos.  It is in our house.  This weekend was as well, and my dad got to be right in the middle of it all.  You know what it all created?  Memories.  Relationships.  After all, isn’t that what life is all about?

 

Copyright ©2018 by H.R. Zoldos.  All Rights Reserved.

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How To Turn Your Little Monster Into A Successful Child

Ever wonder why sometimes your child is a joy and other times they seem to have been taken over by an alien monster?  We all do.  The monster seems to surface when they don’t get their way.  Or when they don’t want to eat that for dinner.  Or when they decide to hit everyone they see and the wall.  You, the parent/caregiver, are at your wit’s end.  We want our kids to be happy and successful.  But how do we make the transition from the out of control monster running the halls to a happy, successful person who can take care of themselves?

1. Set Clear Rules

Children need to know what is expected of them.  Teachers do this the first day of school.  Here are the rules and they are specific.  I’ve seen many classrooms where the teachers have the rule chart up at the front of the class for all to see.

As parents, the rules of your home need to be set for your children as well. Write them down and post them in the house they are easily seen.  On the refrigerator.  On the back of the front door.  On a mirror in the bathroom. Wherever makes sense in your home.  As your child grows and changes, so will your rules.  The rules established for a 2-year-old will still be in place, but new ones will come along.

2. Establish Consequences

Consequences.  A word that makes so many people squirm.  There are good and bad consequences of actions in life.  But every action has a consequence. In a classroom, follow the rules and you won’t have to pull a card. Even the cards have consequences.  Green card – get a “good day” sticker.  Yellow card – a warning/time out.  Red card – miss recess and your parents are getting a phone call. Kids know this walking into the classroom every day.  They can thrive because there are clear-cut expectations and consequences.

The same works in your home.  Hit your sister – time out.  Throw your toys – toy in time out.  Destroy your room in anger – you lose the privilege to have a lot of extras in your room.  Do your homework the first time you are asked – earn video game time.

3. Follow Through

For consequences to work, there must be follow through.  If you tell your kid he will have to sit on his bed for 5 minutes if he hits his sister, then enforce the consequence.  If you don’t, your child will know you are not in control and he can have free rein.  This pattern, if allowed to develop, will cause the household to be full of tension and frustration.  Everyone loses.

The same goes for positive consequences.  If your kid earned back TV time because she did not fight about getting dressed all week, then reward her with her TV time.  If you don’t, your child will learn you do not mean what you say and if she works hard nothing comes out of it.   So why should she follow your rules?

Sometimes enforcing consequences is exhausting and you’d rather skip it. You’ve had a long day at work. There are other kids in the house that need your attention.  Dinner needs to be made.  You’re going to be late to the plans you made if you stop to enforce the consequence.  Every time you put your child on their bed, he hops off and comes storming down the hall to make a scene. It’s hard.  I know.  But it’s worth it.  Having a child who learns to respect given rules and authority leads to happier kids and parents.

4. Be Consistent

Ever try to play a game with changing rules?  It’s frustrating and eventually, you give up.  Why?  Because if you don’t know the rules of the game, what’s the point of playing.  Same is true of training behaviors in children.  If the child never knows what the consequence will be for his/her behavior, they cannot learn the appropriate behavior.

Let’s say the expectation is to not hit your brother, and the consequence is you will sit in time-out if you do.  Don’t change it daily or without the child’s knowledge.  Let the consequence always be the same.  Children learn by repetition which produces consistency.  You wouldn’t teach your child that some days 1+1=2 and other days 1+1=5.  The same goes for behavior.  Have a standard. Have consequences.  Stick with them.  Eventually, you will be able to look at your child and ask, “what happens if you hit your brother?” Child – “I have to go to time out.”  Bingo – well-done kid!  And well-done parent!

5. Always have a Conversation

Talking to our kids is one of the best things we can ever do for them as a parent/caregiver.  We have clear-cut expectations, we have consequences they understand and now we need to have a conversation about their behavior.  Once the dust has settled and the child has calmed down (and you too!), take your child aside.  Get down on their level and talk to them about what just happened.

Ask them why.  Why are they in time out, or why did they lose their privilege. You’ll be surprised what kids think sometimes.  This gives you an opportunity to set the record straight.  If the child replies “because you’re mean,” this gives you a chance to go “no, you are in time out because you hit your brother.  In our house, if you hit your brother you will have a time out.”  For very young kids it is helpful to use their name in the third person because they are easily confused with words such as “you,” “me” and “I.”  So, a conversation may look like, “Johnny chose to hit Bella.  When Johnny hits Bella, Johnny is choosing to go to time out.”

Validate their feelings.  Ask them why they hit their sibling.  When they say, “because she wouldn’t give me my toy,” validate the fact that they were angry, hurt, sad or frustrated because of the situation.  “It sounds like you felt angry when Bella wouldn’t give you your toy back.”  A resounding yes usually follows. Remind them it’s ok to feel angry but it is not ok to hit when we are angry.  Your child is going to have emotions.  Emotions are not good or bad.  They are emotions.  It’s the choices they make while feeling those emotions that constitute good or bad choices.

Give them an alternative to their choice.  What are some things they could do instead of hitting?  Brainstorm with them and give them acceptable ways to express their emotions.  Then review the new option in the scenario that happened.  “So next time Bella won’t give you your toy, what can you do?”  This empowers the child to be able to make a good choice the next time a hard situation comes up.

Show them you still love them.  Hug them and let them know that they are a great kid.  Let them know your job as a parent is to teach them to be kind, respectful people.  Part of that job is helping them learn how to make good choices.  Remind them that everyone makes mistakes and that’s ok.  Let them know that they are not a bad kid.  They just made a bad choice this time, but you know they can make a good choice the next time.  Then move on in life.

It is going to take time.  Nothing changes overnight.  But these steps will help you begin to transition your child’s behavior.  It’s going to be harder some days than others.  Some days will blow up and that’s ok.  Start fresh tomorrow.  You got this!

Copyright ©2018 by H.R. Zoldos.  All Rights Reserved.