Today is Mother’s Day and it’s a day that is filled with so many different emotions for so many different people. I’m sure some wish it didn’t exist at all. Sometimes these holidays bring more tears, sorrow and dread than they do laughter and joy. For some, today is a reminder that their mother is no longer around whether physically, mentally or emotionally. Some people have been abandoned by their mothers. Some never knew their biological mothers. Some never had someone to act as a mother. For some, their mothers will leave today.
To all the motherless on Mother’s Day, let me say this…I get it and you’re not alone.
My mother and I’s relationship was not always good. I would say more than anything we misunderstood each other a lot. My mom had a lot of trauma and hurts in her past that affected the way she handled us. You can’t understand those things until you have lived a bit and accumulated your own hurts and traumas. I think that’s why children always think they’re parents are weird, they just haven’t lived enough to realize we are all a little weird and damaged. One day they’ll get it. It won’t change their hurt, but it will alter their perspective. It doesn’t let our mother’s off the hook, it just enables us to find a little grace. Lord knows we all need a little grace. Life is just downright hard.
My mother died October 19, 2017. Just a mere 7 months ago. It was sudden and unexpected. She was diagnosed 25 days earlier with stage four lung cancer. 25 days isn’t a lot of time to try to mend all the hurts and make the memories you’ll treasure forever.
We had many conversations during her dying days, but not enough. We had tears. We had laughs. We had moments of watching her sleep. We had moments that were just weird, and my sister and I would laugh because sometimes laughter really is the best medicine.
We dealt with death before it was upon us. It was a frequent visitor in our home. Death becomes just another person in the room when a loved one is dying. We had divine moments where you could almost touch Jesus. We had hilarious moments. We had moments that were heart wrenching. We had serious moments and moments that were sweet. But mostly, we had ordinary moments. At the end of the day, I think those were my favorites. The moments where nothing extraordinary happened, we were just us.
There were moments where silence fell because we were all exhausted to the core of who we are and sometimes, there are no words. When the final silence fell over my mother, we sat in silent tears until laughter came forth again. Even in sorrow, joy is still there.
Today I sit wishing I had one more moment. Even if it was an ordinary moment. I also know it would never be enough. Once that moment was gone, I would long for another and another. We never get enough moments in life. We also don’t know how many moments we truly have until they are gone forever.
Happy Mother’s Day Mom. I love you.
Copyright ©2018 by H.R. Zoldos. All Rights Reserved.
Photo: Copyright © 2017 by S.C. Hammond. All Rights Reserved.