Blog

I have worked with many children and their parents over the years. A question I am frequently asked is, “What can we do?”  These parents are genuinely concerned for their child and want to help.  So often, parents do not have the resources or know those resources that can help both them and their child.  There are so many resources out there now for parents, but digging through them can be a daunting and overwhelming task.  If you Google “parenting strategies” and you will get 98 million results.  Literally.  No human on the planet has time to go through all of those results, let alone a parent who is trying to keep tiny humans alive and healthy every day.

The following books are ones I have suggested to parents many times.  The first three are for you, the parent/caregiver.  The last two on the list are written for a parent/caregiver to sit down and read with the child.

1.   The New Strong Willed Child by Dr. James C. Dobson

Ah, strong willed children.  Let me tell you, they are my favorite.  They are also a lot of work and quite frankly the adults in their world will feel like giving up at some point, sometimes multiple times a day.  Don’t quit on them yet.  What you see as a frustration is one of their greatest assets as well.

Dr. Dobson has a great take on strong willed children.  His book is full of stories from actual parents and strong willed children.  It also includes strategies on how to best handle your strong willed child and how to turn that personality type into a positive.  Have a child that is strong willed and diagnosed with ADHD?  Yep, he covers that too.

2.  Boundaries with Kids: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Help Your Children Gain Control of Their Lives by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Boundaries are SO important in our lives and especially in our relationships.  Our society tends to push to an extreme of saying that we do not need boundaries in our lives.  We just need more.  We need more activities to fill ours and our kids time.  We need more followers on all the social media.  We need more cars, more video games, more jobs, more volunteer jobs, more, more, more.  To be frank, it’s a load of crap.  What we need is more boundaries in order to have a healthy emotional, physical and mental life.  Children are no different.  In order for kids to feel safe and secure, they need to have boundaries in their lives.  Teaching them boundaries helps set them up for success later in life.

The authors of Boundaries with Kids take you through 10 principles that children need to understand to become healthy, well-adjusted adults. The book also includes six steps to implementing boundaries with your children.  If you haven’t started boundaries with your children, start today! It may be a challenge at first, depending on your child’s age, but I guarantee it will get easier and will be life changing for you and your little one.

3.  The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell

Everyone longs to be loved, but did you know everyone experiences love in different ways?  People both receive and give love differently.  Everyone has all five love languages in them but, like personality traits, some are more dominant that others.  In this book, the authors do a great job of laying out the five primary love languages and how each both receives and gives love.  You will also learn how to discover your child’s love language and how to speak it to develop a deeper relationship with your kids.

4.  A Boy and a Bear: The Children’s Relaxation Book by Lori Lite

This book is brilliant at teaching children how to use simple relaxation techniques.  This is a story about a boy who meets a bear and teaches the bear how to relax.  The book is easy for children to understand and they can do the motions and breathing with the boy.  Relaxation techniques are so important in today’s hurried lifestyle.  Relaxation has been shown to reduce anxiety and stress as well as lift one’s mood.  The sooner your child learns these skills, the sooner you’ll see results when you tell them to “calm down and relax.”

5.  A Terrible Thing Happened by Margaret M. Holmes

Sometimes children witness events that are beyond their comprehension.  With the prevalence of school shootings and other atrocities, our children are exposed to the trauma of this world more than ever.  This book is a handy tool to help walk children through those traumas.  Your child will meet Sherman, a raccoon, who saw a terrible thing happen.  Sherman soon starts to experience emotions and physical symptoms he doesn’t understand.  What I like most about this book is that it never says what terrible thing Sherman witnessed.  It leaves it open for the child to fill in whatever traumatic event he/she witnessed. Even if your child has not witnessed a traumatic event, the book is good for walking a child through an event that has upset them.

***This book does not in any way take the place of a trained mental health worker.  If your child has been traumatized in any way, please find a qualified professional to help walk you and your child through their healing process.  Even Sherman talks with a professional.***

Well there you go.  There are a million more (well 98 million more) but these are a good place to start.  Happy reading!

My dad came to town over the weekend.  He came to watch my step-kids in their various activities, including sports and drama productions.  It was a nonstop weekend.  Before I picked him up on Friday, I did a quick run through on the house.  I decided vacuuming was about the extent that was going to get done before running to the airport.  I began vacuuming each room of our little house and wondered what memories would be made this weekend.  I thought about all the memories that have been made in the past year.  So many that I’m sure I’ve forgotten half of them.

I also began to think about what others would see if they walked into my house.  I realized what you see in a house rarely represents what happens in a home.

When you walk into my house, I promise it will not look like anything Joanna Gaines put together.  There will be dirt, dirty dishes, dog hair, dirty clothes in the hampers and unmade beds.  There will be toothpaste globs dotting the sink and counter, sticky spots on the table and dog food on the floor.  There will be crumbs and spills on the counter from last night’s dinner.  There will be shoes that stink from the days they’ve spent with sweaty feet in them.  There will be mismatched furniture including one piece that clashes against the wall.  The wall is a work in progress.  There will be things tucked in the corners of the house, piles of mail and school papers stacked on the kitchen counters and shoes put up high, so they are not eaten by our puppy.  There will be a front yard that badly needs landscaping and a backyard that is a minefield of holes.  There are pictures sitting on the floor waiting to be hung.  There are curtains that don’t quite fit the windows.  There are bedding sets that do not match the room or the other bedding.  There are a million stuffed animals.  There are hand drawn Star Wars characters hanging from the walls.  There are rocks, random items and clothes piled on the dressers.  There are closets that are too small to hold a wardrobe and dresser drawers that struggle to stay closed.  There are Lego creations everywhere.  There are overflowing bookcases and drawers full of movies.  There are games, lots of games.

I like our little house. It wouldn’t work for many people but for us it’s home.  It’s home to five people and two dogs.  What house is ever fully put together with that many living creatures running through it.  What is important is that our little pack feels safe and secure in our home.  Not just that they are not worried about intruders, fires or catastrophes, but that they feel they belong.  That no amount of stinky shoes, dirty clothes, muddy paws, spills or stains will ever lessen or remove our love for them.  No amount of holes in the backyard or vomit in our cars will make us want to get rid of them.  Consider putting plastic on all the seats and flooring in the car?  Yes.  But turning the kids over to the state or leaving the dogs at the pound?  Never.  Not even once.

But a home is not just the house we live in.  A home is so much more.

When you walk in my home, you would see where we have shared family meals complete with laughter and deep talks.  You would see ruffled beds where the kids and their father sat the night before as he prayed over them and their little lives.  You would see the Lego creations that were built with such care and precision.  You would see pictures that were drawn to show their love for us.  You would see books scattered about because we encourage reading.  You would see games upon games because engaging with the kids and each other is important to us.  Even if it means playing the same Top Trumps card game so much you have memorized the cards.  You will see movies that fill drawers because pizza and movie night is a weekly tradition.  You will see dog food on the floor and know even our animals are well fed.  You may even see a couple of ants because our puppy is a messy eater.

Our room is rarely clean, but it’s open to all who are in our house.  It will always be covered in dog hair because let’s be honest, the dogs sleeping in our room is how we keep them from eating everything in the rest of the house.  The kids will never have matching bedding.  They don’t have matching interests and they’re allowed to express their likes in their rooms.  One day we may have a nicely landscaped front yard, but for now it will serve as a place to fly kites in the summer and build igloos in the winter.  Our backyard is a disaster of sticks, holes, trees, play-sets and a basketball hoop.  But that disaster brings lots of smiles, laughter and hours of fun.  Of course, there are also screams and fighting because having siblings who won’t do what you want is hard.

While our little piece of chaos works for us, it probably drives our neighbors crazy.  That’s ok though.  We aren’t trying to please our neighbors or anyone else.  We are trying to invest in the people we have chosen to do life with.  If that means our yard is never landscaped and our bathroom never looks like a seaside resort, then so be it.  At the end of the day, none of that stuff really matters.  When we sit around the dinner table at night and do high/low for the day, those things never come up.  What does come up is the time and activities we spent with each other.  Those are the things that make the list of highs.  Those are the things that really matter in life.

Today if you look around your house and see all the little things that need to be cleaned, fixed and put away, don’t fret.  You’re not alone.   They’ll get done eventually.  Even if they don’t, it’ll be ok.  Remember that you’re doing the best you can and the people you share your home with are more important that the ever-growing to-do list.  Especially if you have littles running through your house like a stampede of elephants.

One day it’ll be quieter, and all the things will be in their place.  One day you’ll look back and wish you’d left the pile of laundry and the dirty dishes to chase your little around the back yard, or to play that game for the one billionth time.  One day you’ll wish you had let the weeds grow in a bit more and taken time to connect with your spouse.  One day it’ll all be gone.

But today, today may be another day of beautiful chaos.  It is in our house.  This weekend was as well, and my dad got to be right in the middle of it all.  You know what it all created?  Memories.  Relationships.  After all, isn’t that what life is all about?

Copyright ©2018 by H.R. Zoldos.  All Rights Reserved.