Ever wonder why sometimes your child is a joy and other times they seem to have been taken over by an alien monster? We all do. The monster seems to surface when they don’t get their way. Or when they don’t want to eat that for dinner. Or when they decide to hit everyone they see and the wall. You, the parent/caregiver, are at your wit’s end. We want our kids to be happy and successful. But how do we make the transition from the out of control monster running the halls to a happy, successful person who can take care of themselves?
1. Set Clear Rules
Children need to know what is expected of them. Teachers do this the first day of school. Here are the rules and they are specific. I’ve seen many classrooms where the teachers have the rule chart up at the front of the class for all to see.
As parents, the rules of your home need to be set for your children as well. Write them down and post them in the house they are easily seen. On the refrigerator. On the back of the front door. On a mirror in the bathroom. Wherever makes sense in your home. As your child grows and changes, so will your rules. The rules established for a 2-year-old will still be in place, but new ones will come along.
2. Establish Consequences
Consequences. A word that makes so many people squirm. There are good and bad consequences of actions in life. But every action has a consequence. In a classroom, follow the rules and you won’t have to pull a card. Even the cards have consequences. Green card – get a “good day” sticker. Yellow card – a warning/time out. Red card – miss recess and your parents are getting a phone call. Kids know this walking into the classroom every day. They can thrive because there are clear-cut expectations and consequences.
The same works in your home. Hit your sister – time out. Throw your toys – toy in time out. Destroy your room in anger – you lose the privilege to have a lot of extras in your room. Do your homework the first time you are asked – earn video game time.
3. Follow Through
For consequences to work, there must be follow through. If you tell your kid he will have to sit on his bed for 5 minutes if he hits his sister, then enforce the consequence. If you don’t, your child will know you are not in control and he can have free rein. This pattern, if allowed to develop, will cause the household to be full of tension and frustration. Everyone loses.
The same goes for positive consequences. If your kid earned back TV time because she did not fight about getting dressed all week, then reward her with her TV time. If you don’t, your child will learn you do not mean what you say and if she works hard nothing comes out of it. So why should she follow your rules?
Sometimes enforcing consequences is exhausting and you’d rather skip it. You’ve had a long day at work. There are other kids in the house that need your attention. Dinner needs to be made. You’re going to be late to the plans you made if you stop to enforce the consequence. Every time you put your child on their bed, he hops off and comes storming down the hall to make a scene. It’s hard. I know. But it’s worth it. Having a child who learns to respect given rules and authority leads to happier kids and parents.
4. Be Consistent
Ever try to play a game with changing rules? It’s frustrating and eventually, you give up. Why? Because if you don’t know the rules of the game, what’s the point of playing. Same is true of training behaviors in children. If the child never knows what the consequence will be for his/her behavior, they cannot learn the appropriate behavior.
Let’s say the expectation is to not hit your brother, and the consequence is you will sit in time-out if you do. Don’t change it daily or without the child’s knowledge. Let the consequence always be the same. Children learn by repetition which produces consistency. You wouldn’t teach your child that some days 1+1=2 and other days 1+1=5. The same goes for behavior. Have a standard. Have consequences. Stick with them. Eventually, you will be able to look at your child and ask, “what happens if you hit your brother?” Child – “I have to go to time out.” Bingo – well-done kid! And well-done parent!
5. Always have a Conversation
Talking to our kids is one of the best things we can ever do for them as a parent/caregiver. We have clear-cut expectations, we have consequences they understand and now we need to have a conversation about their behavior. Once the dust has settled and the child has calmed down (and you too!), take your child aside. Get down on their level and talk to them about what just happened.
Ask them why. Why are they in time out, or why did they lose their privilege. You’ll be surprised what kids think sometimes. This gives you an opportunity to set the record straight. If the child replies “because you’re mean,” this gives you a chance to go “no, you are in time out because you hit your brother. In our house, if you hit your brother you will have a time out.” For very young kids it is helpful to use their name in the third person because they are easily confused with words such as “you,” “me” and “I.” So, a conversation may look like, “Johnny chose to hit Bella. When Johnny hits Bella, Johnny is choosing to go to time out.”
Validate their feelings. Ask them why they hit their sibling. When they say, “because she wouldn’t give me my toy,” validate the fact that they were angry, hurt, sad or frustrated because of the situation. “It sounds like you felt angry when Bella wouldn’t give you your toy back.” A resounding yes usually follows. Remind them it’s ok to feel angry but it is not ok to hit when we are angry. Your child is going to have emotions. Emotions are not good or bad. They are emotions. It’s the choices they make while feeling those emotions that constitute good or bad choices.
Give them an alternative to their choice. What are some things they could do instead of hitting? Brainstorm with them and give them acceptable ways to express their emotions. Then review the new option in the scenario that happened. “So next time Bella won’t give you your toy, what can you do?” This empowers the child to be able to make a good choice the next time a hard situation comes up.
Show them you still love them. Hug them and let them know that they are a great kid. Let them know your job as a parent is to teach them to be kind, respectful people. Part of that job is helping them learn how to make good choices. Remind them that everyone makes mistakes and that’s ok. Let them know that they are not a bad kid. They just made a bad choice this time, but you know they can make a good choice the next time. Then move on in life.
It is going to take time. Nothing changes overnight. But these steps will help you begin to transition your child’s behavior. It’s going to be harder some days than others. Some days will blow up and that’s ok. Start fresh tomorrow. You got this!
Copyright ©2018 by H.R. Zoldos. All Rights Reserved.